Once again, I give a big thumbs up for the message tonight. It's been a long time since I have relly buckled down on my faith and the way I live to really figure out which path I'm on. Last week I knew I had one hand opened and one hand closed. This meaning that I wanted to give it all to God, but there are things in my life I still want to cling to, things I am not ready to give up...and the even more scary thought: things I don't feel that bad about.
Tonight, it's time. Time to let my mentor in a little deeper about my struggles. Good grief, that's scary. I want to be ready to do it though.

This weekend is the Vine retreat! Ahhh, nervous/excited/scared/anxious. I have a car full of girls going late with me and I am soo pumped about that!

Baking, Pumpkins, and Fall!

If you know me, you already know this, but I love baking, cooking, and everything associated with it! I have been sick all last week and did nothing but sleep. So Saturday when I woke up and was feeling better, I decided to get a lot of things done that I had been putting off and didn't have the energy for.
Task #1: BAKING!! I made wassail and pumpkin muffins. Here are the muffins:

• 1 box yellow cake mix (plus the ingredients called for in the package directions)
• pumpkin pie spice
• 1 15-ounce can pumpkin puree
• 1 8-ounce bars cream cheese, at room temperature
• 1 cups confectioners’ sugar
• candy corn

1. Heat oven to 350° F. Prepare the cake mix as directed but with the following change: Add the pumpkin pie spice and substitute the can of pumpkin puree for the water called for in the package directions.{However, I used water. OOPS! They still turned out moist and yummy though!}
2. Bake cupcakes 18 to 22 minutes. Let cool.
3. Meanwhile, using an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and sugar until creamy. Spread on the cupcakes and top each with a piece of candy corn.{Annd I also added some spice to this frosting because it needed something extra}
   

While I LOOVEE baking, I feel bad because once I'm done, I eat one to make sure it's a good recipe and then the rest potentially could go to waste. {BUT Katelyn graciously took them to work for me :)} I try to give away the leftovers to any willing parties. It's just fun to bake, but let's face it, I don't want to pack on the pounds of my passion.

Now, the wassail:
2 1/4 cups of Pineapple Juice
2 cups of Orange Juice
2 quarts of Apple Juice
1 tsp whole cloves
1/2 cup sugar
1 cinnamon stick
let brew and boil over stove...and enjoy the smell!

I also met with my mentor Saturday morning and talked about my previous post. It was a really good chat and I got a lot of questions answered. We decided to challenge each other to wake up a few minutes earlier for some Jesus time and praying this week. I am not so good in the mornings lately, but I really hope I get use to this new routine.

So, I have a new TV show obsession: Castle! It's a show about a murder mystery writer who follows around a beautiful cop for inspiration. Soo good! Along with DH, Grey's, and Brothers & Sisters I have some busy evenings.

School is starting to pick up and test are starting to pile on, but I feel like I have a good handle on them so far...well, minus accounting. That may never happen. HA!

Those are my tidbits for now,

Lay 'Em Down

Lay 'Em Down {Honestly, you need to listen to this song}
Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely

STOP. Ok that's where I am tonight. Lost without God and lonely without His promise confirming me in what I thought I believed and the Christian lifestyle I thought I was leading.
Tonight, I was sitting in the Vine {Second Baptist's college ministry} and Daniel was talking about personal relations with Christ and making it a point to actually be personal. Ok, here's where I went, "Whoa."
Then it only gets better. This girl who had grown up thinking she was a Christian SLAP come to find out, she was not. She told her amazing story and you could see the girl actually changing right there on stage from moment to moment. She used to party and use drugs and live that life that we are always hearing about. You know the one. The one that's "not pleasing to God." Only a few months ago did she actually get it, that she wasn't being the person God wanted her to be. "Whoa."
No longer is there a longing in my soul, no longer am I proud of my beliefs, no longer do I even claim God let alone proclaim God. I feel so fake. I have turned off all of my responsibilities as a Christian.

Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

STOP. I am living that life. "The not pleasing to God" life. It has become even more apparent these past few days when all these youth workers from different places have approached me about becoming a leader. A leader? A leader of what? Of whom? I would be continuing a lie if I even remotely accepted that challenge thinking I could just pray my way through it. Pray? I only do that when something bad happens. How wrong is that?

All you sinners
{That's me...and you for that matter.}
And the weak at heart
{Check}
All the helpless
{Double check}
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
{Laying with dogs on my feet and my sister beside me house-sitting}
Whatever evil you've found
{The lies I've been living}
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

Here I am. Sitting in my parent's bed, surrounded by so many good things that have been provided by God {That deserves a thanks, God, I am so blessed by them} and I want to live a different live. The other one, the one that IS pleasing to God.

We're all tied to the same old failings
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns

Ok, I do this. I say I'm sorry and fall back into the same old things that I shouldn't. See? Even now those thoughts are in my head. I do not want to be tied to these anymore.

We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All those with
And without love
{I want God's love to be enough. I need His love to be enough.}
All you burdened
And turned around
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3

Thoughts.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone- to have a soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to a Christian says,

"No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found you will not be capable of the perfect relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you- just keep watching me, expecting the greatest thing to keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you..you must wait."